WASHINGTON—Spicy Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is doing his damndest to make the United States military a Christian club.
“We don’t want any trannies, grannies, beardos, weirdos, or fatties. We’re looking for chiseled, beardless, hawt guys only,” Hegseth said in front of the mirror on Thursday morning. He added “All I want to do is hang out with shredded dudes who love Jesus and alcohol” before giggling and putting a container and a half of pomade on his dome.
All eyes are on the nation’s capital as we move closer to a theocracy.
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