Jesus Returns, Immediately Deported Under New U.S. Immigration Law

ICE: ‘Son of God’ title does not grant automatic citizenship.'

WASHINGTON—In what officials are calling a routine enforcement of newly expanded immigration policies, Jesus of Nazareth was reportedly detained and deported Tuesday just hours after descending from the clouds in what witnesses described as “a glowing, unauthorized aircraft.”

“He had no passport, no paperwork, and was dressed in loose, Middle Eastern robes,” said ICE spokesperson Travis McCorkle, adding that Jesus’ refusal to pledge allegiance to the American flag raised immediate red flags. “We asked him if he believed in freedom and capitalism, and he started talking about feeding the poor and turning the other cheek. That kind of rhetoric just doesn’t align with our values.”

Authorities confirmed that Jesus was flown to an undisclosed location in the Middle East, where he was warned not to attempt reentry. At press time, Congress was drafting emergency legislation to ensure the Second Coming cannot be used as grounds for asylum.

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